Lyrics
LYRICS BY TOM X. CHAO
Warning: explicit lyrics
The Only Record (EP, 2004)
THE PEOPLE WE KNOW
I have been around this scene
I've suffered through your show
Your stand-up act is next to worthless
I thought you ought to know
No one should encourage you
You should be booed offstage
But you get laughs from drunks in bars,
and that fills me with rage
The people we know who think they're really funny,
but they aren't at all—they just annoy me, baby
Everywhere you go and everyone you see
tries their hand at humor, but it's just a tragedy
But it’s just a tragedy
You seemed pleasant when we met
I wanted you, but then
I found out that you're just another
downtown comedienne
I listened to your tired jokes
about the dates you've had
Instead of making witty insights,
you made yourself look bad
The people we know who went to NYU
and graduated yesterday, but they're not funny
Everywhere you go and everyone you see
joined a sketch group, but they're not funny to me
No, they're not funny to me
Making people laugh is easy
without a cheap insult,
but your forced delivery
Makes it look difficult
When you seek to entertain
drunken heckling fools,
you will find the biggest joke
has been played–on you
The people we know who trained at UCB
and took all of their classes, now they think they're funny
Everywhere you go and everyone you see
shouts out some old cliché, then they call it comedy
Yeah, they call it comedy
Years have passed since things were funny
All the greats have died
or they're aging rapidly
and go unrecognized
Coda I
I have been around this scene too long,
and I will tell you something I have learned
Coda II
I've got rage that I can't express in words
​
NOW
1. She and I had nothing in common at all,
but we walked up and down in the shopping mall
As the blazing sun poured through the skylights above,
somehow I slipped in—and out—of love
now
2. Well, I thought the atmospheric conditions seemed right
as we walked along silently into the night
There's no need to talk when we've got our Walkmen™ on
because we understand love is a song
now
Chorus:
A glimpse of heaven seems hellish
when a glimpse is all I can get
And I shouldn't embellish
all the thoughts that I can't forget
3. The compass needle of my heart is pointing at you
Even in a magnetic storm it remains true
Like the fundamental force of gravity,
you exert a strange charm over me
now
4. The scent of jasmine is borne on a summer breeze,
but it only elicits bad memories
I recall it was the scent that you wore
on the night you threw me out the door
now
Chorus
5. She's the prettiest girl who I've ever seen,
whether in the flesh or in a magazine
I'd do anything just to be with her,
but I guess that will never occur
NOW
DEBSTER-MANIA
In the ivy-covered halls of higher learning,
one grad student made my heart start yearning
While she strode through all the empty corridors,
then I daydreamed of her more and more
I recall her by the elevator
She was going to grade some papers later
She looked beautiful in her tweed jacket
I think they call that herringbone fabric
Sunlight glinted off the polished tiles,
making her red hair redder in the library aisles
I met with her during her office hours
It's so safe and warm up in the ivory tower
I recall her by the elevator
She was meeting her advisor later
She looked beautiful in her tweed jacket
I think they call that herringbone fabric
Now I often wonder what has happened to her
By this time she should have gotten tenure
So does she work as an assistant lecturer?
Or did she go into the private sector?
I recall her by the elevator
She was going to test some subjects later
She looked beautiful in her tweed jacket
I think they call that herringbone fabric
She left little of her which to cherish
I hope she published and didn't perish
Who knows of her dreams and what became of them?
Who knows anything? Well, that's the problem.
CLOSING THEME
Now it's time
to close the door and turn out the lights
It's time to for us to go
and say, "Good night"
Lend a hand
to help turn all the chairs upside-down
Only the streetlights shine
upon this town
When we leave
no faintest trace of us will linger here
So let us toast and raise
a cup of cheer
Fare thee well
while wand'ring through the hills and valleys too
May every shooting star
be kind to you
'Round the world
all lovers slumber warm in their beds
the golden moon looks down
upon their heads
When you sleep
we hope you'll dream of us in some small way
and hold us in your hearts
another day
Memories
that have no shape or outline you can grasp
Some day they'll all return
into your clasp
Words have failed
to say the things that we really mean
But later you'll discern
our thoughts unseen
Now it's time
to close the door and turn out the lights
It's time to for us to go
and say, "Good night"
I WISH I WERE PRETTY (single)
She said "I wish I were pretty, I wish I were smart,
but deeper inside, I've got a beating heart."
I said "I wish you were pretty, don't care if you're smart.
I know that your whole is greater than some of your parts."
She said, "I'm glad you can add, but can you subtract
your vision of me from the list of things you have lacked?"
I said, "Your grip has grown tighter, but you've grown diffused.
Each touching farewell just seems to leave me bruised."
I killed all our houseplants and nearly the pets
with almost-uncanny desiccating effects.
While paint keeps on peeling and pens have run dry,
her fertile humidity makes rain fall from the sky.
She said, "I'm ripe for advancement and promotion and stuff.
I know I'm ambitious and smart and pretty enough."
She said, "While you have retreated so deep in your mind,
I've gone out to live and grab everything I can find."
WOMAN, I'M AN ASSHOLE (single)
Woman, I'm an asshole.
I told you that when we first met.
I cannot ask you to forgive
failings you should not forget.
Woman, I'm an asshole.
I'm just a dirty callous cad.
But you should represent much more
than merely someone’s passing fad
(Bridge)
I should have been an astronaut or an athlete who competes in a lonely sport,
like climbing up the side of a mountain in the dark.
I should have been much better than I am, so we would not have to face the last resort.
I should have been a psychic healer or a greedy financier.
I should apologize to you
for everything that I am not.
Apologies aren't what you need;
apologies are all I've got.
Woman, I don't love you.
Romantic love does not exist.
It's just a ploy to sell you things,
stupid things you can't resist.
(From Callous Cad 2009-2011.)
IT’S TOO EARLY TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS (Single, 2023)
It’s too early to celebrate Christmas
Christmas is still three weeks away
We hate to see your to-do list is
crammed with plans for the holiday
It’s too early to celebrate Christmas
Please exert some self-control
When you start too early and become breathless
You invite madness into your soul
Put away fruitcakes and toy trains and huge inflatable candy canes,
also the pear tree with the bird
Hold off on the festive cheese logs, sexy elves, or heavily spiked eggnogs
until at least the twenty-third
Trying to buy the frankincense, but there’s more incidents of road rage
in the parking lot down by the mall
It hasn’t even snowed, and it’s too soon for sensory overload,
so just sit back and watch the evening fall
It’s too early to celebrate Christmas
It’s too late to stop the onslaught of cheer
Don’t make the day about retail business
You make yourself seem insincere
When the swearing and uncaring become grossly overbearing
and you’re tearing at your hair while trimming trees
Someone pass some laws to cause your neighbor’s robot Santa Claus
to pause, then you can unclench your jaw and breathe
It’s too early to celebrate Christmas
Christmas is not some kind of test
It’s too early to celebrate Christmas
For Christ’s sake, give it a rest
​
Statement of Intent (EP, 2024)
​
MOVING BACK TO HOLLYWOOD
Well, I'm moving back to Hollywood; I gotta get some new friends
I've been away too long, yeah; I gotta find some new friends
I'm sorry that that crazy guy killed all of my old friends
Yeah, I'm sorry that that cult killed all of my old friends
Well, it looks like I got out just in time
Thanks to the people who helped deprogram me
I was the only one who made it out alive
The hillside was blazing, and naked I ran outside
I'm moving back to Hollywood; I gotta get some new friends
I've been away too long, yeah; could you all be my new friends?
Let's go to Barney's Beanery and get some chili, my friends
After I lay a wreath at the grave of my old friends
The FBI was unable to close the case
The killers are running loose with all their power tools
I can never forget the sights I saw
Somebody option my screenplay, it must have legs
Hey, man … say, man … spray tan … no
Feeding pigeons … having visions … invent religions … whoa
Vermont … Larchmont … taco restaurant … that’s what I want
Take the 10 West … past the 5 North … to the 101 … then get off
When the sun sets over House of Pies in Hollywood
After your friends are murdered, and you're alone in Hollywood
Look up your contacts from film school now in Hollywood
Raise a solitary toast at Ye Rustic Inn … in Hollywood
I HAVE HEARD
1 I have heard that they have got some
pretty girls around here, although
I cannot find any of them
Where the fuck* is everyone? I don’t know…
2 I just landed at the spaceport
Wondering where the pretty girls are
There’s nobody in this food court
Only robots working the sushi bar
3 Thought there'd be some swinging revels
Where the hell's the party rave scene?
Suddenly on higher levels
I see my face flash on a giant screen!
BRIDGE
Around the world, the church bells rang
"Tom Chao must die," everyone sang
Ten billion aliens laughed aloud
They burned my picture in a crowd!
They showed it all on CNN
Rolled back and showed it all again
The aliens storm into the streets
Their hatred of me is complete!
4 Then I shriek and run for cover
All these androids want to blast me
Jetpack cyborg starts to hover
Over the escape pod I really need!
5 Woman in the spacesuit locker,
she takes off her metal bra and
beckons to me; I run towards her,
then fall through a huge hole I never saw!
6 Now I’m floating, trapped in stasis
While a huge mob waits to burn me
Why did I leave Earth? This place is
nothing like the ads they show on TV!
I JUST SAT DOWN
1. I ride the elevator
up fifty floors or so
I look out of the window
at tiny figures below
Fog's rolling in somehow
A flashing light in Frogtown
I cannot help you right now
I just sat down
Chorus: I just sat down
2. I just took off my coat
I just walked in the door
Where is the coffee cart?
Is it up on our floor?
There's footsteps in the hall
There's something going wrong
Don't put me on conference call
I just sat down
Chorus: I just sat down
3. I just turned on my laptop
I haven't checked my e-mail
I can't think without caffeine
Someone hopes I will fail
I hear some anxious murmurs
I see an unhappy frown
Someone restart the servers
I just sat down
Chorus: I just sat down
BRIDGE
You can see it in his eyes, the CEO is tiring
of spending so much of his own money on new hiring
He’s going to use AI, then start conspiring
with HR to do a lot of firing
4. Why are you talking to me?
Can't you see I just got here?
I cannot find any keys
I sense some danger near
Outside the air is heavy
The sky is turning brown
I feel it on my skin
I just sat down
Chorus: I just sat down
​
Music for Downtown Theater (EP, 2025)
CANNOT BE DENIED
Every lonely person has to turn
to the mirror and look deep inside
at the things that they have have failed to learn
and the things that CANNOT BE DENIED
See that girl you really wanted
walking down the street; well, she's a new bride
Now your endless tears are haunted
by another thing that CANNOT BE DENIED
Bridge:
There can be no defense
Against the thing that makes no sense
If you listen very carefully
you will hear the sound of me dying
And if everyone sounds just like me
you will hear a chorus of crying
Every loss that you cannot erase
Leads you closer to your suicide
Other logic breaks down in the face
of the thing that cannot ever be denied
[From Cats Can See the Devil 2003]
LOWER YOUR STANDARDS
1. Lower your standards and everything will be fine
You can have anyone you don't want anytime
Lower your standards further than you can see
Where is the baseline? Negative infinity.
2. Look at your friends and see how far they went down
just to find someone you can't stand to be around.
Well, you must compromise all of your ideals,
then you will know exactly how good it feels.
3. When you have freed yourself from false hopes, you will get
all of the love that you haven't figured out yet!
Lose all your expectations and you will see
Just what it means to have no identity.
4. "Swimming upstream and smashing your head on the wall"
is a mixed metaphor, but then aren't we all?
Blinded by tears, you race through the streets unaware,
then you are struck and killed by a chill in the air.
[From Can’t Get Started 2000]
CULTURE JAMMING! (LOVE THEME FROM THE NEGATIVE ENERGY FIELD)
1. I can't sing but you can sing so sweetly ;
you know how to get rid of me quite discreetly.
Everyone is waiting for some service,
but you only serve to make me very nervous.
2. You know fifty different ways to hurt;
you've got a Kalishnikov hiding under your skirt!
Culture jamming , internet spamming,
counter-programming; baby, with faint praise you're damning.
Bridge
I don't know when I will ever learn,
but Chuck Bukowski said, "Scream when you burn!"
(Scream when you burn)
3. I know you have played your little part,
so don't show me your cleverly transgressive art
There is nothing left to deconstruct,
so better activate nuclear self-destruct.
4. Heap contempt on me and all the others,
guess I've got to build myself a robot lover.
to the blandishments of The Negative Energy Field?
[From The Negative Energy Field 1999]